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No cows may be driven down the roadway between 10 AM and 7 PM unless there is prior approval from the Commissioner of Police.
All land must be left to the eldest son.
Divorces are outlawed.
Since 1313, MPs are not allowed to don armor in Parliament.
Those wishing to purchase a television must also buy a license.
With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.
All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.
It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).
It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person.
Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).
Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated.
A bed may not be hung out of a window.
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin.
It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.
Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism.
BOXING:
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious. (Alan Minter, British Boxer)
Muhammad Ali:
He now floats like an anchor, stings like a moth. (Ray Gondolfo,1982, on the 39-year-old former champion)
'Jumbo' Cummings:
'Jumbo' Cummings, a name that sounds like an elephant ejaculating. (Rory Mcgrath on the US heavyweight, They think it's all over, BBC TV, 1995)
George Foreman:
I'm going to beat your Christian ass, you white son of a B***h! (Muhammad Ali taunts Foreman, who isn't white)
Rick Thornberry:
A poor Bum whose head should be used to keep doors from slamming on a windy day. (Anthony Mundine, US boxer)
Mike Tyson:
After Boxing, I would think Mike will resort to what he was doing when he was growing up - robbing people. (Tommy Brooks, his former trainer)
He called me a "rapist" and a "recluse." I'm not a recluse. (Tyson objects to being insulted.)
Did Tyson bite off more than he can chew? Time will tell. (The Salt Lake Tribune)
Iron Mike went down biting (The Sunday Oklahoman)
Pay Per Chew (Philadelphia Daily News)
Sucker Munch (The Sun)
Heavyweight Chomp (The Big Book of Sports Insults)
FOOTBALL:
Football is a gentleman's game played by hooligans and Rugby a hooligans game played by gentlemen. (Some guy in camebridge university)
(Reacting to a report stating brain cells are damaged when heading the ball) I don't think heading the ball has got anything to do with it. Footballers are stupid enough anyway.(Premier League spokesman, 1995)
Footballers are only interested in drinking, clothes and the size of their willies. (Karren Brady, manging director of Birmingham City, 1994)
Peter Beardsley:
Peter Beardsley is the only person who, when he appears on TV, causes daleks to hide behind the sofa. ( Nick Hancock on They Think It's All Over, BBC TV, 1995)
David Beckham:
David Beckham can be my private English teacher. (A sarcasm - free Ronaldo on his new team mate at Real Madrid)
Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match. (Beckam's England colleague Ian wright)
I don't think he's a great player. He can't kick with his left foot, he doesn't score many goals, he can't head the ball and can't tackle. Apart from that he's alright. (George Best's Opinion, Jan 2000)
If I walked down the street with a hankie on my head and wearing a Tahitian skirt, people would point at me and laugh. (Jimmy Greaves, 2000)
The Queen of Preen. (The Sun, 19 June 2004)
The bad news for Saddam Hussein is that he's just been sentenced to the death penalty. The good news for Saddam is that David Beckham is taking it. (Matt Lawton in the Daily Mail, 5 June 2004)
More is on the way
Thanks to "The Big Book Of Sports Insults"
Here is a short video of stupid people demonstrating stupid stunts
1. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
8. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
9. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
11. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
12. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
13. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
15. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
16. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
17. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
18. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
19. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
20. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
