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English Phrase / Chinese Translation
1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao
4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King
5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan
7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni
8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat
9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim
10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King
12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo
14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka
15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. "Great"......................... Su Pah
Introduction
Wanking - to spank the monkey, to polish one's trophy, to do a Hand Solo on one's lightsabre, to extract soya bean milk, to ding the dong - we all know HOW to do it, but most of us don't really know when or where to do it. How many of us have been tending to our penises when in comes mom or dad, catching us red-headed/handed as we scan the glazed pages of FHM or Playboy or surfed through the Shangri-Las of internet porno? How many of us even handled that situation properly?
Any of you tried going, "Hey, mom/dad, it's normal! Everybody else does it!" and received a lecture about morality instead?
Wanknun
Then this is the perfect guide for you!
The 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking
Okay, that girl on TV was hot as hell, or you just spied on your 83-year-old neighbour walking around in her lingerie. Or maybe you just had thoughts of sex in that perverted little brain of yours. Need some instant relief? Well, before you whip out your eternal Significant Other, think of this: What if you get caught? Can you handle the consequences? What if you don't get caught, but you stain the entire place with your semen? Your mom KNOWS the smell of semen, trust me, so the 'Oh it's just gel/milk/diet pepsi' crock won't work when your mom asks you bout the stains.
Well, think no more my friends, for it's time for me to tell you the 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking:
1) Watch. I don't mean your mom, you sick fuck. I mean watch out for possible ways of getting caught. Are the curtains drawn? Are the doors locked? Will people passing by hear Asia Carrera moaning? Locate these problems, and fix them, and you're a quarter of your way there.
2) Wait. Preferably until nobody's at home. Pragmatically, just wait until anybody who needs to enter your room/toilet to do or get stuff have done so. Make sure everybody's taken a shower, your daddy has already sniffed your underwear, pesky little room-invading siblings are asleep or have been bashed up and all that shit.
3) Wutang Clan. Whether you're beating to their beats or to their videos, nothing beats the Wutang Clan in providing Wank Material. Except straight-out porn, which gets boring. And women in porno moaning loud enough to wake Tupac are more likely to get you caught than Inspectah Deck going 'I puts the needle to the groove....'. Sure you think he's talking bout spinning records, but read closely and think again. Still, it's more parent-friendly than moaning, despite being shit gramatically and holding slight wanking references.
And after all that...
4) Wank!
Uh...
Ok, everything's set. You've minimized the chances of getting caught. The music vid for Ain't Nuthin Ta Fuck Wit (subtle irony there, sial) by Wutang Clan's playing on your media player. Lubricant? Well, there's hand lotion, there's this intricate mixture of soap and water, there's KY Jelly. If you're perverted as fuck, try chilli sauce. So you whip out your member, and you start giving it a spitshine. But as you do so, do not forget the 4 Ss of Wanking:
1) Sanitation. Don't wank with yesterday's mouldy chcicken soup for lubricant man. You want orgasms, not organisms on your dick.
2) Slow. If you don't want premature ejaculation while you have sex, don't get premature ejaculations while you wank. This is all practice, fellas. Take it slow... Enjoy Redman's thick, rhythmic ghetto swirl, contemplate about the lives of the girls in the videos, wonder how they came up with a chink-ass name like Wutang. Wutang Clan have had over 10 years of music, videos and music videos. There's still a lot to wank over.
3) Steady. Ok, it's coming but don't shake it everywhere like its a polaroid picture. You're gonna leave stains to catch Anwar Ibrahim. And we wouldn't want to impregnate the house pests now would we? You definitely won't want to discuss child support with a cockroach. So have lots of tissue paper to shoot into, or aim up so your semen'll fall back on you. Then wipe the stuff up with tissue paper.
And when all that's set...
4) Shoot!!!!
After that, all you have to do is hit the shower and have a nice, sumptious post-wank meal. I recommend pancake with maple syrup. If you're more perverted than most, you can wash-up and eat after you've spread your semen all over your face. Whatever it is, do wash-up. You can wank to the dirtiest shit porno actors/actresses can sink to but for the sake of the people who interact with you on a daily basis, practice some hygiene, please.
Now, what if you get caught? Well, then things can go two ways. One, you may get buttfucked and receive lectures about morality. You're most likely Catholic or Muslim. Or, you can try to dig yourself out of the situation by saying one of these, whichever applies to your predicament:
"Ooh hey mom. I was checking for bumps, in case I have penile cancer."
"Hey dad. (Alluring smile)"
"Hey mom look, I can make a fountain!"
"I think I bruised my penis while playing soccer just now."
"Hey mom! This? Oh it's just some white cream I put on my penis so that uh, it won't uh, fall off. Like yours did."
You can come up with your own. Just use your creativity.
There's nothing to discreet wanking, really. Just use your brains and know your parents' viewpoint of it, and you can twist your explanations so that it'll turn out to be something they'd buy. All that aside, it's just you, your penis, your left hand (right hand to click on the mouse), wads of tissue paper and pure, masturbational bliss.
So happy wanking, and happy not-getting caught. Peace Out Dudes.
No cows may be driven down the roadway between 10 AM and 7 PM unless there is prior approval from the Commissioner of Police.
All land must be left to the eldest son.
Divorces are outlawed.
Since 1313, MPs are not allowed to don armor in Parliament.
Those wishing to purchase a television must also buy a license.
With the exception of carrots, most goods may not be sold on Sunday.
All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.
London Hackney Carriages (taxis/cabs) must carry a bale of hay and a sack of oats.
It is illegal to be drunk on Licensed Premises (in a pub or bar).
It is illegal for two adult men to have sex in the same house as a third person.
Any person found breaking a boiled egg at the sharp end will be sentenced to 24 hours in the village stocks (enacted by Edward VI).
Chelsea Pensioners may not be impersonated.
A bed may not be hung out of a window.
It is illegal for a lady to eat chocolates on a public conveyance.
Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked manequin.
It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.
Picking up abandoned baggage is an act of terrorism.
BOXING:
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious. (Alan Minter, British Boxer)
Muhammad Ali:
He now floats like an anchor, stings like a moth. (Ray Gondolfo,1982, on the 39-year-old former champion)
'Jumbo' Cummings:
'Jumbo' Cummings, a name that sounds like an elephant ejaculating. (Rory Mcgrath on the US heavyweight, They think it's all over, BBC TV, 1995)
George Foreman:
I'm going to beat your Christian ass, you white son of a B***h! (Muhammad Ali taunts Foreman, who isn't white)
Rick Thornberry:
A poor Bum whose head should be used to keep doors from slamming on a windy day. (Anthony Mundine, US boxer)
Mike Tyson:
After Boxing, I would think Mike will resort to what he was doing when he was growing up - robbing people. (Tommy Brooks, his former trainer)
He called me a "rapist" and a "recluse." I'm not a recluse. (Tyson objects to being insulted.)
Did Tyson bite off more than he can chew? Time will tell. (The Salt Lake Tribune)
Iron Mike went down biting (The Sunday Oklahoman)
Pay Per Chew (Philadelphia Daily News)
Sucker Munch (The Sun)
Heavyweight Chomp (The Big Book of Sports Insults)
FOOTBALL:
Football is a gentleman's game played by hooligans and Rugby a hooligans game played by gentlemen. (Some guy in camebridge university)
(Reacting to a report stating brain cells are damaged when heading the ball) I don't think heading the ball has got anything to do with it. Footballers are stupid enough anyway.(Premier League spokesman, 1995)
Footballers are only interested in drinking, clothes and the size of their willies. (Karren Brady, manging director of Birmingham City, 1994)
Peter Beardsley:
Peter Beardsley is the only person who, when he appears on TV, causes daleks to hide behind the sofa. ( Nick Hancock on They Think It's All Over, BBC TV, 1995)
David Beckham:
David Beckham can be my private English teacher. (A sarcasm - free Ronaldo on his new team mate at Real Madrid)
Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match. (Beckam's England colleague Ian wright)
I don't think he's a great player. He can't kick with his left foot, he doesn't score many goals, he can't head the ball and can't tackle. Apart from that he's alright. (George Best's Opinion, Jan 2000)
If I walked down the street with a hankie on my head and wearing a Tahitian skirt, people would point at me and laugh. (Jimmy Greaves, 2000)
The Queen of Preen. (The Sun, 19 June 2004)
The bad news for Saddam Hussein is that he's just been sentenced to the death penalty. The good news for Saddam is that David Beckham is taking it. (Matt Lawton in the Daily Mail, 5 June 2004)
More is on the way
Thanks to "The Big Book Of Sports Insults"
1. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
8. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
9. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
11. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
12. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
13. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
14. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
15. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
16. Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
17. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
18. If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
19. One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
20. Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
21. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
