Friday 30 November 2007
Saturday 17 November 2007
Learn Chinese Fast.... Su Pah
English Phrase / Chinese Translation
1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong
2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao
4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King
5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan
7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni
8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat
9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim
10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King
12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo
14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka
15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu
16. "Great"......................... Su Pah
Friday 9 November 2007
Complete Idiots Guide to Discreet Wanking
Introduction
Wanking - to spank the monkey, to polish one's trophy, to do a Hand Solo on one's lightsabre, to extract soya bean milk, to ding the dong - we all know HOW to do it, but most of us don't really know when or where to do it. How many of us have been tending to our penises when in comes mom or dad, catching us red-headed/handed as we scan the glazed pages of FHM or Playboy or surfed through the Shangri-Las of internet porno? How many of us even handled that situation properly?
Any of you tried going, "Hey, mom/dad, it's normal! Everybody else does it!" and received a lecture about morality instead?
Wanknun
Then this is the perfect guide for you!
The 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking
Okay, that girl on TV was hot as hell, or you just spied on your 83-year-old neighbour walking around in her lingerie. Or maybe you just had thoughts of sex in that perverted little brain of yours. Need some instant relief? Well, before you whip out your eternal Significant Other, think of this: What if you get caught? Can you handle the consequences? What if you don't get caught, but you stain the entire place with your semen? Your mom KNOWS the smell of semen, trust me, so the 'Oh it's just gel/milk/diet pepsi' crock won't work when your mom asks you bout the stains.
Well, think no more my friends, for it's time for me to tell you the 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking:
1) Watch. I don't mean your mom, you sick fuck. I mean watch out for possible ways of getting caught. Are the curtains drawn? Are the doors locked? Will people passing by hear Asia Carrera moaning? Locate these problems, and fix them, and you're a quarter of your way there.
2) Wait. Preferably until nobody's at home. Pragmatically, just wait until anybody who needs to enter your room/toilet to do or get stuff have done so. Make sure everybody's taken a shower, your daddy has already sniffed your underwear, pesky little room-invading siblings are asleep or have been bashed up and all that shit.
3) Wutang Clan. Whether you're beating to their beats or to their videos, nothing beats the Wutang Clan in providing Wank Material. Except straight-out porn, which gets boring. And women in porno moaning loud enough to wake Tupac are more likely to get you caught than Inspectah Deck going 'I puts the needle to the groove....'. Sure you think he's talking bout spinning records, but read closely and think again. Still, it's more parent-friendly than moaning, despite being shit gramatically and holding slight wanking references.
And after all that...
4) Wank!
Uh...
Ok, everything's set. You've minimized the chances of getting caught. The music vid for Ain't Nuthin Ta Fuck Wit (subtle irony there, sial) by Wutang Clan's playing on your media player. Lubricant? Well, there's hand lotion, there's this intricate mixture of soap and water, there's KY Jelly. If you're perverted as fuck, try chilli sauce. So you whip out your member, and you start giving it a spitshine. But as you do so, do not forget the 4 Ss of Wanking:
1) Sanitation. Don't wank with yesterday's mouldy chcicken soup for lubricant man. You want orgasms, not organisms on your dick.
2) Slow. If you don't want premature ejaculation while you have sex, don't get premature ejaculations while you wank. This is all practice, fellas. Take it slow... Enjoy Redman's thick, rhythmic ghetto swirl, contemplate about the lives of the girls in the videos, wonder how they came up with a chink-ass name like Wutang. Wutang Clan have had over 10 years of music, videos and music videos. There's still a lot to wank over.
3) Steady. Ok, it's coming but don't shake it everywhere like its a polaroid picture. You're gonna leave stains to catch Anwar Ibrahim. And we wouldn't want to impregnate the house pests now would we? You definitely won't want to discuss child support with a cockroach. So have lots of tissue paper to shoot into, or aim up so your semen'll fall back on you. Then wipe the stuff up with tissue paper.
And when all that's set...
4) Shoot!!!!
After that, all you have to do is hit the shower and have a nice, sumptious post-wank meal. I recommend pancake with maple syrup. If you're more perverted than most, you can wash-up and eat after you've spread your semen all over your face. Whatever it is, do wash-up. You can wank to the dirtiest shit porno actors/actresses can sink to but for the sake of the people who interact with you on a daily basis, practice some hygiene, please.
Now, what if you get caught? Well, then things can go two ways. One, you may get buttfucked and receive lectures about morality. You're most likely Catholic or Muslim. Or, you can try to dig yourself out of the situation by saying one of these, whichever applies to your predicament:
"Ooh hey mom. I was checking for bumps, in case I have penile cancer."
"Hey dad. (Alluring smile)"
"Hey mom look, I can make a fountain!"
"I think I bruised my penis while playing soccer just now."
"Hey mom! This? Oh it's just some white cream I put on my penis so that uh, it won't uh, fall off. Like yours did."
You can come up with your own. Just use your creativity.
There's nothing to discreet wanking, really. Just use your brains and know your parents' viewpoint of it, and you can twist your explanations so that it'll turn out to be something they'd buy. All that aside, it's just you, your penis, your left hand (right hand to click on the mouse), wads of tissue paper and pure, masturbational bliss.
So happy wanking, and happy not-getting caught. Peace Out Dudes.
Wanking - to spank the monkey, to polish one's trophy, to do a Hand Solo on one's lightsabre, to extract soya bean milk, to ding the dong - we all know HOW to do it, but most of us don't really know when or where to do it. How many of us have been tending to our penises when in comes mom or dad, catching us red-headed/handed as we scan the glazed pages of FHM or Playboy or surfed through the Shangri-Las of internet porno? How many of us even handled that situation properly?
Any of you tried going, "Hey, mom/dad, it's normal! Everybody else does it!" and received a lecture about morality instead?
Wanknun
Then this is the perfect guide for you!
The 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking
Okay, that girl on TV was hot as hell, or you just spied on your 83-year-old neighbour walking around in her lingerie. Or maybe you just had thoughts of sex in that perverted little brain of yours. Need some instant relief? Well, before you whip out your eternal Significant Other, think of this: What if you get caught? Can you handle the consequences? What if you don't get caught, but you stain the entire place with your semen? Your mom KNOWS the smell of semen, trust me, so the 'Oh it's just gel/milk/diet pepsi' crock won't work when your mom asks you bout the stains.
Well, think no more my friends, for it's time for me to tell you the 4 Ws of Pre-Wanking:
1) Watch. I don't mean your mom, you sick fuck. I mean watch out for possible ways of getting caught. Are the curtains drawn? Are the doors locked? Will people passing by hear Asia Carrera moaning? Locate these problems, and fix them, and you're a quarter of your way there.
2) Wait. Preferably until nobody's at home. Pragmatically, just wait until anybody who needs to enter your room/toilet to do or get stuff have done so. Make sure everybody's taken a shower, your daddy has already sniffed your underwear, pesky little room-invading siblings are asleep or have been bashed up and all that shit.
3) Wutang Clan. Whether you're beating to their beats or to their videos, nothing beats the Wutang Clan in providing Wank Material. Except straight-out porn, which gets boring. And women in porno moaning loud enough to wake Tupac are more likely to get you caught than Inspectah Deck going 'I puts the needle to the groove....'. Sure you think he's talking bout spinning records, but read closely and think again. Still, it's more parent-friendly than moaning, despite being shit gramatically and holding slight wanking references.
And after all that...
4) Wank!
Uh...
Ok, everything's set. You've minimized the chances of getting caught. The music vid for Ain't Nuthin Ta Fuck Wit (subtle irony there, sial) by Wutang Clan's playing on your media player. Lubricant? Well, there's hand lotion, there's this intricate mixture of soap and water, there's KY Jelly. If you're perverted as fuck, try chilli sauce. So you whip out your member, and you start giving it a spitshine. But as you do so, do not forget the 4 Ss of Wanking:
1) Sanitation. Don't wank with yesterday's mouldy chcicken soup for lubricant man. You want orgasms, not organisms on your dick.
2) Slow. If you don't want premature ejaculation while you have sex, don't get premature ejaculations while you wank. This is all practice, fellas. Take it slow... Enjoy Redman's thick, rhythmic ghetto swirl, contemplate about the lives of the girls in the videos, wonder how they came up with a chink-ass name like Wutang. Wutang Clan have had over 10 years of music, videos and music videos. There's still a lot to wank over.
3) Steady. Ok, it's coming but don't shake it everywhere like its a polaroid picture. You're gonna leave stains to catch Anwar Ibrahim. And we wouldn't want to impregnate the house pests now would we? You definitely won't want to discuss child support with a cockroach. So have lots of tissue paper to shoot into, or aim up so your semen'll fall back on you. Then wipe the stuff up with tissue paper.
And when all that's set...
4) Shoot!!!!
After that, all you have to do is hit the shower and have a nice, sumptious post-wank meal. I recommend pancake with maple syrup. If you're more perverted than most, you can wash-up and eat after you've spread your semen all over your face. Whatever it is, do wash-up. You can wank to the dirtiest shit porno actors/actresses can sink to but for the sake of the people who interact with you on a daily basis, practice some hygiene, please.
Now, what if you get caught? Well, then things can go two ways. One, you may get buttfucked and receive lectures about morality. You're most likely Catholic or Muslim. Or, you can try to dig yourself out of the situation by saying one of these, whichever applies to your predicament:
"Ooh hey mom. I was checking for bumps, in case I have penile cancer."
"Hey dad. (Alluring smile)"
"Hey mom look, I can make a fountain!"
"I think I bruised my penis while playing soccer just now."
"Hey mom! This? Oh it's just some white cream I put on my penis so that uh, it won't uh, fall off. Like yours did."
You can come up with your own. Just use your creativity.
There's nothing to discreet wanking, really. Just use your brains and know your parents' viewpoint of it, and you can twist your explanations so that it'll turn out to be something they'd buy. All that aside, it's just you, your penis, your left hand (right hand to click on the mouse), wads of tissue paper and pure, masturbational bliss.
So happy wanking, and happy not-getting caught. Peace Out Dudes.
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